A Night To Remember

"Hey daddy, remember the night momma announced she may eat meat again?" is bound to be a quote at a family gathering in twenty or thirty years from now. Followed with the story, which will become more and more comical as the years pass, about how each individual responded. So for the sake of having an accurate account, I'll tell you about it now, the very night it happened.

Just shy of my 15th birthday I became a vegetarian. To be honest, I don't remember the exact moment I made the decision to not eat meat. I've just always marked it by my fifteenth birthday. I'm thirty-eight now, so after twenty-three years it's just another aspect of who I am.

Yesterday, at a church pot-luck, a friend said to me she was going to be more conscious about making sure there was plenty of non-meat entrees for me and the other vegetarians. I smiled and told her thanks, but that I was used to finding plenty of alternatives on the table....and then, under my breath, I uttered the words "actually, I've thought about eating meat again." While to my friend this was just a casual comment, the look on my husbands face was the same one I get when he's just heard something funny and can't wait to elaborate about it, which clearly indicated he knew what a strangely random thing that was for me to say. So, to hush him before he started, I quickly remarked that "yes, I've thought about it. I just don't say it out loud so that I don't have to deal with my family pushing me." That seemed to work. My friend thought nothing more of it and my man knew I'd appreciate being left alone about it. But, in my head, I was taken aback, wondering where those words came from. Had I really thought about it before?

Now, jump to tonights dinner. I had a roast slowly cooking in the crock-pot all day, and in the half hour leading up to dinner had boiled fresh corn-on-the-cob and cooked some green peas. When it was all ready I made everyones plates and sat down at the table.  A few bites in, I looked up at Joseph and in the same tone that I would say "pass the salt, please" I said "I think I'm going to eat meat again." Next, in a frozen moment of time, this happened: Tears started pouring from my eyes. I didn't understand what I just said but everyones reactions confirmed that I really had said I was thinking about eating meat. My mind raced with the questions: Where did that come from? Why am I so confused? Why do I feel like I just lost a close relative? Why am I crying? Why do I feel so stinking vulnerable this very second? Mike came up to me, put his arm around me, and I think, was genuinely worried I had gone off the deep end and was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I think my statement made him nervous, he was looking at me as if I had gotten a temporary form of amnesia and had completely forgotten who I was. Joseph stared at me asking "what?" His face went from a confused grin to a look of terror as if he was wondering if he should call an ambulance or something, back to a confused grin every ten seconds. Seanan walked up, hit me on the shoulder, smiled, and said "all right, momma!" I think he thought I'd just joined his team or something. Danny, seeing my tears, told everyone to leave me alone and kept telling them all to "stop asking her questions." Nolan walked passed the table gnawing on a corn cob. Nolan - he's just a year old I thought - how will he know his mother if I eat meat. What? How did my identity get wrapped up into my being a vegetarian? I don't want to eat meat. The idea of eating a dead pig is gross. I stared at my plate of corn and peas....nothing sustainable. I cook my family meals of pork chops and potatoes, chicken and rice, roast...and here I sit eating my corn and peas. "I'm hungry" I said as I looked up and at Mike. Tears still flowing. "I'm always hungry."

Now, fellow vegetarians...please don't give me the spill about eating my beans and leafy vegetables to ward off hunger and get my nutrients. I do, and I love them. I know I could just cook myself a separate protein source, but the reality is, I don't. When you have all that other food cooking your mind just doesn't think to pop a veggie burger in the smaller crock pot to make a fake roast. Or maybe I'm lazy, or maybe I'm just tired of veggie burgers. I mean they're good, but twenty-three years and you kind of get bored with them. I get protein all the time. I had four hard-boiled eggs for lunch today. But I'm hungry, and if truth be told, maybe, just maybe a little hormonal to boot. I mean, I have been on quite a road with God the past few months. It's a road that is definitely moving me along in a direction I want to go, and, as He's moving me around He's pulling on me emotionally. Anyone who's ever walked down a road hand-in-hand with God knows that the tears flow overtime. But to say that I'm crying over the dinner table and meat because of my current walk with God is a little bit of a stretch. So, today I'll blame the tears on hormones. For now anyways. I've been hungry before though... so why now the desire interest in meat? Am I really hungry? Physically hungry? Or am I wanting to be a part of my families dinner? I mean really join in. Think about it. With the heart of an all-natural, aiming for organic, homemade-bread-baking momma, I cook their meals, prepare their plates, and sit down at the table to join them...and watch them eat a balanced meal. While I, on the other hand, eat carbs and maybe some green vegetables, depending on whats been cooked.

I can't eat meat! I'm a vegetarian! It's part of who I am. I've never given it much thought. It sounds ridiculous to say it's part of who I am. What I do, and what I believe make up who I am, not what I eat! How did being a vegetarian get twisted into my identity?

I'm almost scared to say I'm seriously considering retiring my vegetarian badge. I know this comes off as silly, but it really does make me cry to think that I think I want to join them. Join them in their food...and maybe in some odd little way I'm joining in with them as a family too. I'm not ready to eat a dead animal yet, and who knows, I might not ever be, but I may be ready some day, I just may. One things for sure, if I do, it's going to add a loop to my emotional roller-coaster because just thinking about raw meat is grossing me out right now. I wonder what meat goes best with tears?

Here are a few links I found tonight. I'm pretty sure I'll be visiting this chick's blog on a regular basis: We Meat Again. Even though this guy has never been a vegetarian he's got the morality and psych part down: Marks Daily Apple and I liked this article: The Atlantic