Seeing Jesus

"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually." - 1 Chronicles 16:11

Seanan had his second open heart surgery in February. We found out that he would need it during his check up back in October. Two and a half months after Mike died.

I kept quiet about it, wanting everyone to enjoy the holidays for there was no reason to bring everyone into the drama of such a heavy upcoming surgery. Doing so allowed me to push it daily to the back of my mind. There wasn't room in this little head of mine to hold it anyway. I had too many other things to fixate on. Mike and I's twentieth wedding anniversary. The first Thanksgiving without my hunter in the woods. Christmas with the boys and without their daddy. The new year meant it was no longer the year we still had him with us.

February came. It was time to think about it. As much as I tried to downplay it the reality of it's seriousness kept creeping in my thoughts. I drank a lot of coffee the first weeks of February, letting myself take as many breaks as I could.

I asked God for confirmation that Seanan would be okay. I never got it; the Lord never sent me the message I wanted to hear. Once, for one fleeting moment, I heard to say it out loud "I have five sons now and I will have five LIVE sons in two weeks." That was it. That was my only thread to hold on to.

On the Tuesday evening before the Thursday surgery, as we drove to my parents, I asked the Lord for a scripture showing confirmation that Seanan would survive. I didn't get one. Instead, the next day a friend sent my own previously blogged words back to me about his grace being sufficient, pointing to the scripture I had referenced. "That's great" I thought, "I could really use something a little more specific right now, but your grace is good Lord, whatever." I was tired and felt trapped in a situation I couldn't get out of.

Surgery day got here and I asked God to show me himself in this. I prayed: "I need my heart to reconnect to my words. Jesus I need to see your face."

For weeks, months, since August 14, 2014, I knew my heart was struggling with trust. I believed God's promises to take care of us, to hold us in his hands, but to trust that we would continue breathing, that trust was gone. 

Since we were told surgery would be happening I had a sense that the Lord would use the event to start rebuilding my trust. The Holy Spirit kept saying "keep walking, you'll be on the other side of this soon."

I met with the surgeon that morning. He didn't know about Mike but once I told him he gave me the option to postpone surgery for six months or so. I was annoyed to have been given a choice. If the surgery ended badly it felt like it would have been my decision. I chose to continue. If the Lord had this I didn't see how six months would do anything other than give me more time to wrestle with it.

Surgery went fast. There were no complications and every option selected was the first choice scenario. Seanan was on the heart and lung machine long enough for my trust to have to be put in God to breath for him but yet our Creators great mercy kept him on the machine just and only long enough for me to place the trust appropriately.

Once Seanan was in the CICU they let me see him. My sweet little boy was still, too still. Mike was still, the last time I saw him. Seanan's hands were cold to the touch. Mike's were cold too. My thoughts were running as fast as they could to dark, horrible places - but abruptly - before they could reach conclusions I heard his Holy Spirit say "no, you are looking at the face of Jesus." I looked at Seanan's face laying still, laying quiet, laying peacefully, breathing.

As this was happening the respiratory therapist was telling me that his ventilator would be taken out in the morning, that they never remove it at night, and that Seanan would be weaned off the oxygen slowly. The nurse explained that Seanan would sleep most of the night.

I stood there watching him. Within ten minutes it was evident that Seanan and God had other plans. They weren't waiting. The Lord was going to show off his power.

Seanan started waking up opened his eyes and would have bolted up had his chest not held him back. He looked at me panicked and started reaching for his vent tube. I talked to him and told him to relax, that my dad would be there with him while I rushed to get my mom and Eamonn over to the Ronald McDonald house. When I got back, about twenty minutes later, I found that the nurses had had to tie his hands down to keep him from pulling the ventilator out on his own. He had been completely taken off oxygen and they were removing the tube in the next half hour. I sat by his bedside all night and the turkey bird didn't sleep a wink. He wasn't still, his hands were warm, and Jesus shined bright from the face of my breathing Seanan.

We were released from the hospital Sunday afternoon, not even seventy-two hours from getting out of surgery. Yes, we had a few trips back, but God dealt with other issues during those trips. From Thursday to Sunday he was pulling me back into trusting him. I had to walk down a path on my own, without his constant reassurance. I had to make myself walk blindly, having faith that he was at the end of the path.

It was a relief that it was over but I couldn't shake the feeling that I only trusted my Lord becasue I had to, that I didn't have a choice in the matter. Then I remembered that I did. The surgeon gave me the choice to not go through with surgery that day. That annoyance was part of God's plan. While I was busy being irritated to have been the one to make the final decision, God was making me be the decision maker on purpose. I chose to walk in faith. I chose to trust him. I believed that Seanan would keep breathing.

I can imagine I'll need reminders along the way, but I'm so thankful God worked this out in me so quickly. Had he not, I might have wandered around for years not trusting, and I might have gotten lost while wandering. His grace is sufficiant.